February Parenting Article
Show Us the Love, OK?

by Annie Fox, M.Ed.

“Sometimes we need reminding that we’re a family and that makes us part of a team.”

Countdown to Valentine’s Day and already we’re feeling the love around here. One recent night I went to bed early while David paid the bills and wrote up last minute instructions for the house sitter. Not romantic enough for you? Wait, it gets better. The next morning, while David slept in, I made pancakes. While he cleaned up after breakfast, I vacuumed. While I gave the dog a much-needed flea bath, he did the laundry. Still doesn’t make you feel all warm and tingly? To each his own, but in my book, all of this spells L-O-V-E, especially since we were leaving for Tokyo the next day and mutual support is what our 32-year partnership is all about.

Someone once said, “Taking turns is the lowest form of cooperation.” They got that right. Something’s mixed-up when lovers resort to “I emptied the litter box last week, so it’s your turn!” Where’s the love in keeping score like that? Individuals in the most successful partnerships are tuned into each other’s strengths and weaknesses. They communicate openly. They do what needs to be done regardless of whose “turn” it is. Likewise, the partnership that is the family demonstrates love by respecting the needs of the individual members while supporting the well-being of the entire family.

Your ability to love someone else is directly proportional to your ability to love and respect yourself. That said, no one’s suggesting that you replace turn taking with martyrdom. Acting the doormat doesn’t serve your partnership, your personal development or the development of your kids. If you feel resentful because others slack off while you lift, fetch, and carry then speak up. Sometimes we need reminding that we’re a family and that makes us part of a team.

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February’s Recommended Read

How Much is Enough? Everything you need to know to steer clear of overindulgence and raise likeable, responsible and respectful children – from toddlers to teens
by Jean Illsely Clarke, Connie Dawson, David Bredehoft

At first glance I thought this was yet another book about affluent parents giving materially to their already entitled kids and thus warping their character development. I was wrong. The type of overindulgence the authors write about here has little to do with a parent’s earning power.

With data from extensive research amongst adults who deemed themselves “overindulged” as children, the authors identified the different ways in which well-meaning parents can make huge mistakes raising kids. It also discusses the ramifications of such mistakes and offers clear guidelines for preventing them.

As the authors so wisely point out: “Over-functioning parents raise under-functioning kids.”

Overindulgence is when your parenting choices do not match your parenting goals. You want your children to grow into likeable, responsible and respectful adults. But when you overindulge and do too much of what kids ought to be doing on their own, or when you offer your kids squishy family rules AKA “soft structure” you do your children a disservice without meaning to. As a result, the kids suffer by not developing as they should. They are less confident, less able to trust their own decision-making skills, less able to set a goal and achieve it, less able to deal with frustration and resolve conflicts. As the authors so wisely point out: “over-functioning parents raise under-functioning kids.”

How Much is Enough? is a terrific handbook for parents of any age child. I loved the use of scenarios to demonstrate what is and what is not over-indulgence. (It’s not always what it appears to be to the casual observer.) Likewise I enjoyed the clear language and the 4 question “test” for over-indulgent parenting, the first question of which is “Does it prevent the child for mastering age appropriate tasks?” For example, when the loving Dad carries his 4-year-old daughter into preschool, hangs up her coat and puts her lunch in her cubby for her, is he preventing her from mastering age appropriate tasks? If she can walk, you bet he is! Same goes for the well-meaning mom who continues to take responsibility for getting her 15-year-old son out of bed and to school on time even to the detriment of her own sanity and on-time arrival at work. Both are clear cases of over-indulgence. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in there, you’d find this a very valuable read.

Check out my Recommended Books here...