Dear Annie,

My 6th grade daughter has constant trouble with mean girls and has made only a few new friends this year. All but one have recently decided not to be her friend any longer. She has no insight as to why the kids treat her so badly, but I have a suspicion that she has something to do with it. Whatever the reason, the teasing and bullying is not appropriate.

I don’t know how to help her, except to listen, but would appreciate advice on whether there is something more to be done. We have talked with school counselors and administrative staff with some results, but the problems persist.

Concerned Mom

Dear Concerned Mom,

My blood boils when I hear about the cruelty of mean girls. I wish parents paid more attention to the behavior of their daughters (on both sides of the Mean Girls issue). The targets need strong support and opportunities to succeed socially outside of school. The perpetrators need strong re-direction from their moms so they understand that what they do in their little social circles can be hurtful and destructive to the feelings and self-esteem of others.
 
That said, I’m very sorry to hear that your daughter is having these problems. Schools could be doing so much more to shine a light on this anti-social behavior and address it in meaningful ways. I’m not sure why this isn’t a higher priority.

You say, “I have a suspicion that she [my daughter] has something to do with it [the bad treatment she’s receiving].” Please tell me more about your theory.

In friendship
Annie

Dear Annie,

My daughter has a strange sense of humor and might rub people the wrong way. She has a certain bragging/ teasing way about her. It’s not meant to be hurtful but because she is somewhat insecure. (I try to give her as much attention as possible, but I think she may not have had enough at times in her past due to working mom and all, and I just quit my job to be around more). She gets defensive when I try to talk with her about it. So I usually let it go. I don’t want to convey the message there’s something wrong with her or that she must be someone she’s not in order to have friends.

She has only one friend left, who is not the best influence (too interested in looks and boys).

My daughter came home in tears yesterday because no one would allow her to work with them on a class project and she ended up having to work with 2 boys who are poor students and tease her.

Any advice is appreciated! Thanks again for this wonderful support you provide!

Concerned Mom

PS: What worries me the most is that she is doing a 3 week day camp this summer with one of her “new friends” that decided she couldn’t be a “good” friend anymore. We paid a deposit, which I don’t mind losing, and I keep asking my daughter if she wants to back out but she says NO. Don’t know what to think!

Dear Concerned Mom,

This problem is so prevalent! Here’s a recent San Francisco Chronicle article about bullying. It offers a unique approach.

We each must do what we can with our own children (both the targets and the bullies) to send them clear messages. We must also be willing to get in the faces of school administrators (especially in middle school where it’s the worst). Let them know what’s going on, how it’s affecting our kids (their emotional well-being, their safety and their ability to learn). Frankly I’m at a loss when I hear that two “friends” in your daughter’s class would not “allow her to work with them on a class project.” Where do those girls get the idea that they can prevent a classmate from working on a class project with them?! What do they tell themselves that makes it all right to treat someone like this? Where the hell is the teacher?

Sigh....

Here is an article I wrote not long ago about the concept of social “garbage” and another about Real Friends vs. the Other Kind.

Also here are some of my tips for parents dealing with this issue.

Hopefully these will offer you some perspective and guidance.

In friendship,
Annie

PS: If she wants to go to the day camp let her. It’s possible that she sees it as a challenge. Not necessarily to get back in the good graces of this so-called friend, but to meet new people.

Good luck!

Hey Terra,

My new stepbrother is causing problems for my entire family. Today, his mother (my stepmom) saved him from his abusive father and he still treats her like sludge. Right now my stepbrother is screaming at my father and my stepmom. He has a mouth worse than a sailor. He is really scaring me right now. Tonight, his mom said he could bring home one person to stay. About 8:30 he goes somewhere with his guest and returns at midnight with four more boys. He totally disrespects and defies her all the time. I don’t know what to do about him anymore. PLEASE HELP ME!!

Stressed Stepsister

Dear Stressed Stepsister,

I’m really sorry to hear that there are problems in your family right now. I can certainly understand that having a loud and verbally abusive and disrespectful stepbrother around is scary and very stressful.

Unfortunately this is not a problem that you can solve on your own. The adults need to get on the same page and decide how, as parents, they are going to get him and the family back in balance.

My suggestion is that you talk with your father and tell him how all of this is making you feel. Tell him that it doesn’t feel safe for you to be around all of this yelling and defiance and cursing. Ask him what the parents are going to do about it.

If your dad and stepmom feel that the boy is beyond their control, then it’s their responsibility to get some outside help ASAP. That means a family therapist. If they let things go in the direction they’re going now... your stepbrother’s behavior will only get worse and everyone will continue to suffer.

I hope this helps

In friendship,
Terra