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Valentine's Day!

“I got scared and didn’t know what to do”

“I came home and showered, and then I put on my brand new robe. I sat against my wood bed with my hair rubbing against my robe and my bed. The wood paint (top coat) rubbed off the bed and onto the robe! I got scared and stressed and didn’t know what to do. Then I remembered, just sit there, take a breath and relax. After I relaxed I thought about how I could fix the robe before my mom finds out. Then I realized I could wipe the stain off with a very hot washcloth. That’s what I did and my mom doesn’t even know. This breathing stuff really works!” —Relieved 9th grader

Dear Annie,

My 13-year old daughter used to be happy and cooperative, but in the past month… what a change! I suspect she is about to start her periods, but I cannot let her disrupt family life with her constant moods. I’ve told her that if she wants to act like a child then we will treat her that way but if she would like to enter the adult world she needs to behave like one. I love her so much and ask her what’s going on, but she just tells me she doesn’t understand why she’s acting this way. Tonight she just decided to throw food at the table, and I said if you don’t stop you’ll clean the floor with a mop. She ended up cleaning the floor. I don’t give out consequences and not follow them through but at the same time I feel for her. Am I doing the right thing? When I put her into bed I asked if she was hurting anywhere, her reply was “yes the base of my spine.” I gave her a 10-minute massage and we ended up laughing but I have 2 other kids that do not get that and I feel as though I’m overindulging in her bad behavior.

Debbie

Dear Debbie,

I empathize with how emotionally draining it can be to deal with your daughter’s “constant moods,” but I get the impression that you believe she is choosing to act this way. I am quite sure that she’s telling you the truth when she says she “doesn’t understand” why she’s acting this way. Her body is going through intense changes and it’s very likely that her current hormonal levels on top of the stress of being a middle school girl in 2008 is temporarily taking away a lot of her control and former emotional stability. She’s not choosing this and your anger and annoyance at her isn’t helping her or the situation.

I suggest you take a leadership role yet remain calm compassionate and supportive. That doesn’t mean you need to “overindulge bad behavior.” But recognize that her acting out at times is not about you or about “acting like a child.” It’s about transitioning into adolescence. It does no good to insult her. Of course she shouldn’t be permitted to throw food! But how else might you handle it? Don’t wait until the next time she’s “lost it” to talk about this. Instead, find a quiet time when you’re both relaxed... I loved the image of your sitting with her and rubbing her back. Do more of that. And in the context of that closeness, talk to her. Tell her what you remember about being her age. Be honest. You probably weren’t always sweet and even-tempered with your family. I certainly wasn’t!

Don’t expect perfection. Tell her that you understand that this is a challenging time for her. She’s growing and changing in all kinds of ways. Her body is only one of the changes she’s experiencing. The other (which is a huge source of stress) is relationships. With friends and with guys and with you! Everything is topsy-turvy. She needs you to be a safe person to talk to, not someone who appears rigid and judgmental. Show your love for her. Show your compassion.

You might want to read “Ophelia’s Mom” and “Yes, Your Teen is Crazy”. Click for my reviews of each.

I hope this helps.

In friendship,
Annie

Hi Annie,

Thanks for the advice it has made me stop and think about my own teen years and I like the idea of empathizing with my daughter about those topsy-turvy years and talking to her in quiet moments. I will try very hard not too lose my cool but I know it will happen again. Any mommy coping strategies that I could use to remain calm but take leadership of the situation?

Much Appreciated,
Debbie

Hi Debbie,

I appreciate your willingness to adjust your approach. I’m sure your daughter will notice and appreciate it too!

Read this strategy I wrote for parents guiding teens through an emotional/stressful episode. You can certainly use it to prevent yourself from “losing it.”

Hope this helps and please let me know how it goes.

In friendship,
Annie

Hi Annie,

It’s been two months since we emailed and I’m happy to say that treating my daughter with a little more respect has paid dividends. Our relationship has vastly improved, and in fact we just went on holiday together for some mum and daughter time—it was great. Sometimes we all get so wrapped up in errands and to do lists that we forget the very reason we are doing all those things—our children. Having someone like you to make us take a step back and review our attitude is very important. You’re worth your weight in gold!

Thank you,
Debbie

Hi Debbie,

Your email made my day. Thank you so much for sharing your progress! Thank you also for being willing to shift your approach to parenting. Some parents who write for advice seem to assume that the whole problem lies in the behavior of their son or daughter and if they could just “fix” the kid, then everything would be great. Rarely do I find a parent who is willing to take some ownership in the conflict and, more to the point, take a leadership role in changing the dynamic.

Brava!

Keep up the great work!

In friendship,
Annie

Hey Terra,

There’s this guy that I feel like I love completely! But my parents don’t approve of him. He’s 17 and I’m 14. He says he loves me and all of these wonderful things and we want to be together forever! But if my parents find out I’m still talking to him after telling me to get away from him, they would kill me! But even my friend’s mom says that if were truly in love we wouldn’t let the fact that my parents don’t let me be with him stop us from getting back together. But my friends don’t approve of me going back and if I were to get back with him they would be so disappointed and not talk to me. What should I do?! Go back with him, or not?

Confused and In Love

Dear Confused and In Love,

I’m really glad that you respect your parents and their opinion enough to be thinking about what is the right thing for you to do. If you didn’t have that love and respect for your parents, you would probably be sneaking behind their backs going back with him without asking for a second opinion.

You are not the kind of girl who would be happy sneaking around and lying to her parents. That would cause you too much pain and inner conflict. Here’s my advice:

1. This guy is too old for you. I am worried about a 17-year-old boy who is focused on a 14-year-old girl. I am concerned that he is saying “all of these things” to get you to do things that you are not ready to do. You know what I’m talking about.
2. Your parents love you, and it is their job to protect you. There is a good reason that they would be upset if they found out that you are still talking to this boy. There is a good reason that they told you to get away from him. If you don’t know the reason, then ask your parents.
3. Your friends love you, and they don’t approve of your going back with this boy. They have a good reason for not wanting you to be with him. If you don’t know what it is, then talk to your friends.
4. You don’t really love him. Otherwise you wouldn’t be asking a total stranger (me) whether you should “go back” with him or not. That tells me that you know that you shouldn’t. If you were sure that this was right, then you wouldn’t need to ask anyone.

Be the kind of girl you can be proud of.

In friendship,
Terra