Our son and his girlfriend are living at our house, part-time, for the next several months until they head off to Asia to teach English for a year. Clearly he’s in a transitional stage and must have thought it would be a good idea to educate his parents about the best way to navigate this new phase of our relationship. So he came home from the library with a copy of Walking on Eggshells. Fair enough. Our son’s giving us this book reflects the way we brought him up… when something’s on your mind, speak up and get your needs met. Bravo!

So I read Walking on Eggshells and read chunks of it to my husband, David. It stimulated lots of conversation between us as parents of a new college graduate. It also inspired an important family meeting in which our son, his girlfriend, David and I discussed the give and take of living together in peace.

We had a really nice summer… and part of the ease came from the principles in Eggshells. I’ll pass them along to you:

On Advice:
  They don’t want to hear it.
  They don’t hear it.
  They resent it.
  Don’t give it.

Jane Isay interviewed nearly 100 parents and as many “adult children” (How’s that for an oxymoron?) Her retelling of their personal stories made this book very engaging. These are real parents and real sons and daughters, struggling with their relationships. Some were botching it up royally and some were enjoying a new level of mutual respect and appreciation for one another. The degree of success was directly connected to the parents’ willingness to back off and let their kids live their own lives.

Most of you have middle and high school age kids. The last thing you may want to imagine is life as an “empty nester.” But even for parents whose kids are a decade or more away from college graduation, this book offers an opportunity to think about the kind of relationship you want with your kids when they do grow up.

To help you figure out what direction you’d like to go in and where you’d like to end up, Walking on Eggshells will inevitably force you to reflect on the relationship you had with your parents as you transitioned into adulthood. How do you think about that relationship today? If there are aspects of it you’d rather not duplicate with your own adult child now’s the time to lay the groundwork for change. This book can definitely help.

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At first glance I thought this was yet another book about affluent parents giving materially to their already entitled kids and thus warping their character development. I was wrong. The type of overindulgence the authors write about here has little to do with a parent’s earning power.

With data from extensive research amongst adults who deemed themselves “overindulged” as children, the authors identified the different ways in which well-meaning parents can make huge mistakes raising kids. It also discusses the ramifications of such mistakes and offers clear guidelines for preventing them.

Overindulgence is when your parenting choices do not match your parenting goals. You want your children to grow into likeable, responsible and respectful adults. But when you overindulge and do too much of what kids ought to be doing on their own, or when you offer your kids squishy family rules AKA “soft structure” you do your children a disservice without meaning to. As a result, the kids suffer by not developing as they should. They are less confident, less able to trust their own decision-making skills, less able to set a goal and achieve it, less able to deal with frustration and resolve conflicts. As the authors so wisely point out: “over-functioning parents raise under-functioning kids.”

How Much is Enough? is a terrific handbook for parents of any age child. I loved the use of scenarios to demonstrate what is and what is not over-indulgence. (It’s not always what it appears to be to the casual observer.) Likewise I enjoyed the clear language and the 4 question “test” for over-indulgent parenting, the first question of which is “Does it prevent the child for mastering age appropriate tasks?” For example, when the loving Dad carries his 4-year-old daughter into preschool, hangs up her coat and puts her lunch in her cubby for her, is he preventing her from mastering age appropriate tasks? If she can walk, you bet he is! Same goes for the well-meaning mom who continues to take responsibility for getting her 15-year-old son out of bed and to school on time even to the detriment of her own sanity and on-time arrival at work. Both are clear cases of over-indulgence. If you recognize yourself or someone you know in there, you’d find this a very valuable read.

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Reading this book was like being on a meditation retreat with a focus on what it means to be a parent. There’s so much wisdom here that’s directly applicable to the unique job of raising healthy human beings. Happily, the authors are experienced teachers and wise enough to use a reassuring tone throughout that really allows the reader to hear what’s being presented. Not surprising since Jon Kabat-Zinn is founder and former director of the Stress Reduction Clinic, as well as author of two best-sellers, Full Catastrophe Living and Wherever You Go, There You Are. While the Kabat-Zinns talk about all stages of childhood, their insights into the challenges of parenting teens were of particular interest. Here’s a sample of what they have to say on that score:

“Being empathetic in the face of rejection requires us to not let our own hurt feelings get in the way of seeing the pain our child may be feeling. In some sense our children have to feel us holding on to them, no matter what repugnant (to our mind) spells come over them, no matter what dark disguises they try on.”

That’s something to keep in mind next time you’re dealing with a raging or negative teen. Here’s another really thoughtful question posed by the authors:

“When you were a child, what did you most want from your parents?”

Interesting one to ponder, isn’t it? And think how your answer could help guide your parenting! This is the kind of invaluable “inner work” Everyday Blessing gives you an opportunity to do. I recommend this book for its power to change parents and families for the better.

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Ophelia may have drowned herself when Hamlet turned snarly, but she’s still very much alive in several recent books about adolescent girls. The current wave started in 1994 with Mary Pipher’s brilliant bestseller Reviving Ophelia which offered a therapist’s perspective of the pressure girls feel to be perfect and their subsequent loss of self-esteem. The book unleashed a storm of commentary and thoughtful prescriptions for the problem. Then in 1999, Sara Shandler, a very young woman herself, felt enough non-teens were speaking for girls and that they deserved a chance to speak for themselves. Her compelling collection of writing by and about teen girls is found in Ophelia Speaks: Adolescent Girls Write About Their Search for Self. Two years later, Shandler’s mother, Nina Shandler, Ed.D. put together her own collection of personal accounts in Ophelia’s Mom. In so doing, she gavemothers a chance to vent, cry, doubt, question and offer support and encouragement to one another.

This is a very compelling read that offers front row views of what it’s like for mothers when daughters turn the corner from childhood into adolescence. The range of experiences is broad and yet an undeniable thread runs through. Daughters as well as sons need to break away from their parents. It’s part of what they should be doing during the teen years. Of course knowing that doesn’t always make it any easier for the parent who feels rejected. I tell parents in my workshops “Don’t take your teen’s verbal assaults personally. This isn’t about you even though it sure feels like it.” Good advice and absolutely true. But you’re human and you love this child. How can it not hurt when she, who once cried when you dropped her at preschool and ran into your arms when you picked her up, screams that she hates you? Reflexively you want to withdraw to protect yourself from future assaults. But you’re a parent and withdrawal is not an option. As one of the moms in Shandler’s book puts it: “I was not wanted but I still needed to be responsible.”

This book isn’t always easy to read. For parents who’ve been there, it’s likely to awaken intense memories. For parents whose daughters haven’t yet turned the corner it might be unnerving. I’d still recommend it. It will provide an uncompromising look at the journey into adulthood – a sometimes painful transition but one as natural as the toddler’s determination to walk. As you read, keep this in mind: Like other women’s tales of labor and delivery, your journey through Ophelia Land with your daughter will be unique to the two of you. Remember also… you and she are just passing through this rough spot… the road’s a lot less bumpy on the other side.

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I spend lots of time talking with tweens and teens from privileged circumstances. Through a mix of good fortune, opportunities, and lots of hard work, their parents have created an extremely comfortable lifestyle for them. Nothing wrong with being comfortable and sharing what you’ve earned with your family. Yet recently there’s been a lot written about how these kids who have so much, are often unmotivated, depressed, and directionless.

Personally, I don’t usually see that side of them. Sure, I get emails from kids who are dramatizing their life situations (broken hearts, unfair parents, insensitive friends) but frankly, most of it seems like pretty normal adolescent stuff. Since I’m not a therapist, I was interested in reading a different perspective. Too Much of a Good Thing is a very solid book with a lot to offer its readers. Kindlon, a Harvard psychology professor, knows his stuff. Kindlon’s earlier and equally excellent book, Raising Cain: Protecting the Emotional Life of Boys was one of my prior recommended reads.

By surveying over 600 teens and nearly 1100 parents (all of whom are in the upper-middle to upper socioeconomic status) Kindlon concluded that while the kids have “…full toy boxes” they seem to be lacking in what we call “character.” Sounds harsh, but when the good professor analyzed the kids’ responses to his survey, there were irrefutable correlations between their self-centeredness, inability to defer gratification, non-motivation, eating problems, and lack of self-control, and certain aspects of the parenting they were getting. His conclusion: these kids are not developing positive character traits because they’re over-indulged.

While indulging our kids comes from a loving intention, Kindlon says our motivation has nothing to do with their needs and everything to do with ours. He indicates strongly that we rush in to make everything right because we’re unwilling to see our kids deal with disappointment or frustration. How ironic as each of us knows that making our way through obstacles is often exactly what it often takes to build “character.”

Kindlon counsels parents in specific ways to reverse and prevent the behaviors his survey documented. All his tips focus on what he calls “the holy trinity of child care”, T.L.C.: Time, Limits, and Caring. It’s not just common sense. His research bears out the benefits: “…children in families that eat dinner together at least a few times per week tend to be less depressed, have less permissive attitudes toward sex, are less likely to use drugs, and are more likely to work to their intellectual potential in school.” Sounds pretty clear. So, what’s for dinner tonight?

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Keeping your marriage strong is probably the single most important thing you can do to provide your children with the emotional security they need as they grow confidently toward adulthood. But despite our best intentions and our abiding love for our kids, we sometimes choose, for various reasons, to end a marriage. Divorce is a life-altering event for the kids and the adults involved (including grandparents). But humans are resilient and the promise of love and intimacy is a powerful motivator—so divorced parents often seek new partners. Those new spouses are more and more likely to be bringing their own children into the new marriage. According to American Demographics magazine, as of the year 2000, more than 50 percent of American families fell into the “blended-extended” category. That means that it has now become the norm for kids to spend at least part of their time with stepparents, stepsiblings, and stepgrandparents.

To help ease the way through this family transition there are valuable resource books like Barbara LeBay’s Remarried with Children. With a practical and frank approach, advice from an array of experts in the field, and a host of personal stories from people who have dealt with their own remarriage with children, LeBay’s essential guide is for anyone who has recently remarried with kids or is about to.

This book doesn’t mince words when talking about a remarried parent’s priorities. Likewise, it offers a much-needed rundown of realistic expectations of what it’s like to raise kids in a blended environment. LeBay talks openly about the impact of ex-spouses, fathers who fade from their kids lives, being a great stepmom, dealing with ex-in-laws, facing money matters, and more.

There are many important lessons here along with tools, suggested ground rules and discussion drivers for families working out their differences. Best of all, Remarried with Children offers readers lots of encouragement. It also reminds us that despite the very real challenges of making blended families strong and loving units, it can be done. And there are plenty of heart-warming success stories throughout to demonstrate just how some families managed it.

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I spend a lot of my time talking to teens about love, relationships and sex. That’s why I was very eager to read this book. And I’m very glad I did. The next time I get an email from a parent who feels it’s about time to have “the talk” with their son or daughter and would like a book to guide them, this book will be recommended. The Mirons, a husband and wife team of sex educators and certified sex therapists, have co-written a thoughtful, well-organized volume that covers most of the common topics for discussion and several you might not have thought of on your own. It also contains eye-opening facts from a teen sexuality survey and “Try this” assignments for parents and teens. As the authors wisely point out, “the talk” is actually a series of talks. And those conversations aren’t just about sex and how to prevent unwanted pregnancy and STIs — sexually transmitted infections.

They’ve provided the framework for parent-child discussions about sexuality... that’s right, everything that falls into the category of sexual behavior. There’s the obvious information about male and female reproductive systems, but also the equally vital information about masturbation, sexual orientation, and even sexual pleasure. Feeling a bit uncomfortable picturing yourself talking to your tweens about orgasms? Understandable, but this guide will help tremendously to put you at ease.

There are two main themes running through all of this material: a) the more comfortable you are talking with your teens about sexuality the more likely they will come to you as their #1 source of information. And b) the authors’ conversation prompts encourage you to focus on your values rather than their take on what’s right or wrong when it comes to sexual behavior. When your teen or tween views you as a safe person to come to and he/she is crystal clear about your values, he/she will be better able to make informed decisions. And since you’re not going to be with them when they’re at those choice points, that’s your best bet for helping them do the right thing.

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Anyone with a daughter past pre-school age ought to read this book… immediately. In fact, I’d suggest that you share parts of it with your daughters. It will serve as a powerful discussion driver.

Odd Girl Out provides an in-depth exploration of “alternative aggression” (rumor spreading, non-verbal gestures, alliance building, shunning, etc.), an undeniable part of girl culture. If your daughter hasn’t yet been brushed or battered by this behavior at the hands of her so-called friends, she’s lucky. Unfortunately, she’s very likely to encounter it in one degree or another before she graduates high school.

Here’s the problem: middle-class girls are socialized to be “nice.” Because all human beings (including nice girls) sometimes have intense feelings of jealousy, resentment, competition, and unadulterated anger toward their friends, girls are in a terrible bind. They simply don’t have the tools or the role models for being “nice” and “angry.” Nor can they give themselves permission to be direct and assertive… not when it comes to their friends. Therefore they must figure out ways to vent their inevitable aggression covertly and/or swallow their hurt when they’re targeted.

If you’ve ever heard your daughter talk about what other girls have done (they rarely admit to any of this behavior themselves) you can’t help but be amazed at how convoluted, controlling, calculating and manipulative it all is. Through Simmons’ very personal interviews with 5th-12th graders, moms, and some twenty and thirtysomethings, she shines a light on the little known world of girl culture where abuse and emotional devastation mostly exists below the radar of parents and teachers.

When adults become aware of what’s going on, they have trouble understanding how otherwise nice girls could so callously commit such cruel acts. And why would the targeted girls refuse to stand up for themselves and instead, remain in these abusive friendships?! For girls, the reasons are perfectly logical. They clearly explain that they put up with abuse because the alternative, social isolation, is worse than death. As Simmons puts it, “Since relationship is precisely what good, ‘perfect’ girls are expected to be in, its loss, and the prospect of solitude, can be the most pointed weapons in the hidden culture of girls’ aggression.”

Visit Rachel Simmons’ Web site here.

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When your teen or preteen son/daughter suddenly turns secretive, irritable, overly dramatic, fearful, unmotivated, etc., do you ever worry if this is normal? Ever wonder how the way you handle adolescent “moods” compares to what goes on in other families? Every parent has, which is why this insightful look at real middle schoolers living their real lives makes for fascinating reading.

For an entire year, Laura Sessions Stepp, a Pulitzer Prize winning columnist for The Washington Post, traveled across the country to observe and learn from 12 representative young adolescents from urban America (Los Angeles), a mid-sized city (Durham, NC), and rural Kansas. No fictionalized account of a “year in the life” could have been more riveting and her insight into what she’s observing will have you reflecting and taking notes.

Adolescence is the quintessential transition. For each of the kids profiled in Our Last Best Shot, those changes are experienced with varying degrees of confusion, overwhelm, and confidence. Some of their parents, grandparents, and teachers are inspirational in their steadfast love and support of the kids. Others are less exemplary, but still offer great lessons on what not to do. Rounding out the cast are some big-hearted, “I’m here ’cause I care” mentors, any one of whom you’d love to have looking out for your son or daughter.

In some ways this book reminds me of the phenomenal HBO documentary Planet Twelve which I highly recommend as a film you and your middle schooler should watch together. In fact, you can watch a preview of it right here.

As unique as each child is, universal social/emotional challenges face all young adolescents. All of them are going to make mistakes. And some of them will become so lost that it will be really hard for them to get moving in the right direction. Stepp’s key message is this: parents who provide opportunities for their kids to feel competent, loved and loving, and normal, can mean the difference between a kid getting her act together or not.

See a video of Laura Sessions Stepp talk at the University of Virginia here.

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Because I’m currently working on a new book for teens about discovering one’s identity and developing a strong sense of self, I’ve been reading books on related topics. When I picked up Real Moments I’d never heard of Barbara DeAngelis. I’m not sure how I’ve missed her, because over the past 25 years, DeAngelis has been a very public figure in the realm of relationships and personal growth, with numerous best sellers, and great success as a TV personality and a motivational speaker. After reading this book, I understand why she’s so popular. DeAngelis has a clear and sometimes surprisingly literary style and yet, her honesty is right there on the page, creating a deep personal connection with the reader. In the author’s own words, Real Moments is about “… the relationship we have with the process of living, itself, and the peace many of us have been searching for, whether we’re aware of it or not.”

Of course DeAngelis isn’t the first one to talk about being in the moment (Ram Dass’ revolutionary Be Here Now was first published in 1971). But since it’s so easy for human beings to space out while tending to the details of our lives, we need well-written reminders like Real Moments: Discover the Secret for True Happiness. Even though this isn’t strictly a “parenting” book, I recommend it as a great read for parents. DeAngelis hits on some invaluable tips for effective parenting every time she talks about being in the moment—rather than skimming through time, encouraging you to open your heart to the real happiness of being with your kids. Her chapter on “Real Moments: Discover the Secret for True Happiness and the Family” has transformative potential.

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I go into learning mode when I watch Dr. Phil. Occasional daytime TV theatrics aside, when the man “gets real” with his guests, he impresses me. That’s particularly true with his advice to parents of teens. So even though I like Dr. Phil, his book Family First actually exceeded my expectations.

I don’t think it’s overreaching to say that anyone could benefit from his step-by-step lessons for becoming the compassionate, and clear-minded parent needed to create a “phenomenal family.”

When most parents are asked, “What do you want for your kids?” they invariably say, “I want them to be happy.” But Dr. Phil points out that “being happy” isn’t enough. When you really think about it, your parental goal is more likely: “I want a child who actively engages the world with positive, productive and results-generating behaviors.” That’s very specific and yet open-ended enough to fit an infinite number of paths determined by your child’s own passions. Your job as a parent is to guide your kids, model and reinforce positive behavior, and provide an environment conducive to achieving what they’re meant to achieve.

When we indulge our kids with every “toy” they request, we may rob them of opportunities to work towards earning what they want. Likewise, when we cave in to every demand and grant them privileges that are beyond their current level of responsibility, we set them up for making bad decisions.

Parents need to take the leadership role in the family. Your child’s safety and healthy development is much more important than his/her happiness. On this, Dr. Phil and I are on the same page.

Another Dr. Phil gem is about being authentic as a parent. His advice is to be honest with your kids about how you feel and why you make certain choices. When you do, you encourage them to think about what motivates other people. That’s invaluable emotional intelligence skill-building which will help them to understand themselves and others, now and throughout their lives. Well done, Dr. Phil.

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I used to love Adair Lara’s San Francisco Chronicle columns. She provided great insight into all aspects of family dynamics—from having your ex living in the upstairs apartment, to making a third marriage work, to the intricacies of step-parenting. And even when she described the challenges of parenting her wilder- than-average daughter, Morgan, there were things to laugh at. (And if you can’t laugh in times of stress, you’re totally sunk.)

Lara’s columns often left me wondering, as she obviously was, “How’s this kid going to make it through without self-destructing?” After reading Hold Me Close, Let Me Go, Lara’s memoir about Morgan’s turbulent teen years, I realized that her columns didn’t tell the half of it. If you’re expecting Chicken Soup for the Soul of the Parent of a Troubled Teen, forget it. This book is more gut wrenching than soothing. But it’s totally real and ultimately life affirming. Its loving yet unflinching honesty is exactly what teens deserve from their parents 100% of the time. Lara’s experience isn’t as bad as it gets, but it’s likely to put yours into perspective. And that perspective, along with the ultimate validation and appreciation Lara gets from never giving up on her daughter, is an incredible lesson for all of us. On a scale of one to five, this one’s a solid five.

Visit Adair Lara's web site here. Read her past columns here.

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In 1994, Mary Pipher’s Reviving Ophelia created a new awareness of how the healthy development of adolescent girls is threatened by sexualized media messages. Pipher decried our culture’s power to transform self-confident, adventurous little girls into self-conscious, self-loathing, self-destructive young women. As a direct result of her work, parents, educators, counselors, and youth mentors around the world have worked to help teen girls stay strong.

Just two years later, Pipher wrote another revolutionary book. In The Shelter of Each Other she turned her attention to families and how we can revitalize the bond we have with those closest to us. She also makes an irrefutable case for why we, as a nation, need to do just that. Pipher is resolute when she points out how much of our culture, and the media that reflects it, is not in the best interest of families. “Ideally children learn from their families what to love and value,” she writes. “Some parents have the impression that they shouldn’t impose their values on their children. But if parents don’t teach their children values, then the culture will.”

In language rich with insightful details, Pipher recalls her mother’s childhood on a Nebraska farm during the 1920’s and 1930’s. The family’s survival depended on everyone working together. She describes the immeasurable value the family gained as a unit and as individuals from their closeness to nature and their interdependence upon each other.

Most of the book, however, focuses on contemporary families who, in their various states of disconnect, reflect the norm for too many families in America. Using the words of her own family therapy clients, Pipher pinpoints what we lose as individuals, as families, and as a culture, when we lose our connection to family. And what we reclaim when we consciously rebuild that connection.

The Shelter of Each Other is an important and inspirational book.

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All of the financially secure, highly educated, and incredibly capable mothers Judith Warner interviewed for this book admitted that they were going way beyond anything their own mothers had done. They were on call 24/7, doing everything they possibly could to support their children’s intellectual/psychological/social/emotional well-being. It was their “mission”. And while these women chose to devote their lives to their kids (and had the financial means to do it) they weren’t happy. They felt at odds with the expectations they had for themselves as mothers and the nature of raising kids.

As one woman put it, “The reality is: at the end of the day, you could put your heart in it and for nothing wrong that you did, your kids could wind up a mess, and there’s your life’s work.”

They knew they couldn’t possibly guarantee that their total immersion in their child’s development would stave off all problems (now and forever), and yet they felt powerless to disengage from the quest to be “uber-Mom”.

Warner comes to the realization that there’s something very damaging in the current culture of mothering. “...all mothers in America, in differing ways and to different degrees, were caught up in The Mess. And that’s because the climate in which we now mother is, in many ways, just plain crazy.”

What Warner has brilliantly done, is to provide a historical context for the need to focus so intently on our children’s lives that we discontinue all other non-child-related pursuits including creative and professional endeavors that once brought us great joy and a sense of self-worth. It’s an important read for any mother who is trying to make sense of her life and of family life in our times.

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This novel is the first work of fiction I’m recommending here at Parents Forum. Obviously it’s not a “how to” or “how not to” book, but it deserves mention because it reveals profound insights into the adolescent psyche and the dynamics of the parent child relationship. It also happens to be beautiful work of literature and totally engrossing—so how can you lose?

Set in the deep south of 1964, Secret Life of Bees is told from the point of view of 14-year-old Lily, who has lost her mother and whose dad is completely unable to provide her with even a modicum of understanding and tenderness. Because her need to be mothered is so intense (mirroring the need of every child), Lily risks great danger by abandoning her loveless home and journeying to find a mother. What she discovers about truth and self-deception, strength and vulnerability, courage and forgiveness are lessons that all parents, can benefit from.

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This book celebrates ‘real’ men and explores what’s needed to raise one. The authors are clinical psychologists whose work with boys and men gives them a unique perspective. It boils down to this: human beings have all kinds of emotional reactions to what happens to them. Because boys in our culture are too often short-changed when it comes to receiving a good emotional “education,” they suffer. They don’t have the vocabulary or the practice expressing themselves in the language of feelings. They don’t have male role models that display ready access to the full range of human emotions. (“Macho-men/superheroes/Sports SuperStars” show their “power” in physical strength, cutthroat competition, and aggression.)

Our boys grow up with this distorted view of “manhood” and then hit the rocky road of adolescence. That’s when they (and their emotionally illiterate peers) are trapped and get into trouble. They don’t know how to give voice to their internal (emotional) life except in the only way their “boy culture” allows… through aggression (verbal and physical). 95% of all homicides in this country are committed by men. Boys are about twice as likely to die by their own hand as girls. This book is revolutionary in its understanding of boys and the solutions it offers to the parents and teachers who love them.

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A fantastic combination of the latest scientific research with humor and practical advice, this book explains what a stress-response is all about. For short term emergencies nothing protects you better. But for stressful situations that just don't quit, you're looking at the cause of a whole range of physical and mental problems. You always knew it was good advice to “Relax and take it easy.” Sapolsky's book explains exactly why doing that makes such good sense for you and your family.

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No one needs to tell the parent of a teen that sometimes (okay, often) their child's behavior is irrational, erratic, and beyond our comprehension. Sounds psychotic doesn't it? That's because it is. But the good news is that this craziness is actually due to a brain dysfunction—a normal chaos that's part of this last phase of brain development. In other words, teen craziness is only a temporary condition. Using personal anecdotes taken from his clinical practice and his own family lfe, Bradley gives us incredible insight into the challenges and solutions of parenting teens so that you can survive the chaos and help your teen through it.

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This question-and-answer book helps parents understand and cope with issues that are a part of their teen's life: alcohol, drugs, academics, sex, eating disorders, homosexuality, divorce and remarriage. Riera does this in a straight-forward, compassionate and practical way that's easy to read and take in. His goal is to promote true communication and understanding between parents and teens and he succeeds brilliantly.

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