“My ex-husband's ex-gf is not welcome.”
Dear Annie,My ex-husband's ex-girlfriend is going to attend my daughter's co-ed baby shower. I was not on good terms with my ex's girlfriend. She lived with my ex in our family house before they broke up. My daughter did not invite her initially, but when she (girlfriend) called and asked her about the shower. My daughter was caught off guard and gave her the date and time. My daughter will not uninvite her. My friends, ex-husband's friends, relatives and my daughter's friends will be there. I will feel very uncomfortable. My daughter thinks I'm being silly and immature and should just take it in stride. I really don't think I can. Should I go to the shower?
It sounds like this woman is no longer even an unofficial member of your extended family (through your daughter's father). And I hear the feelings of hurt and betrayal still very much present in your words. Here's a question, you say your daughter did not invite her initially, does she now want her there? Or is she taking the path of least resistance at this point and is unwilling to 'uninvite' her because she'd be embarrassed to do so?
If your daughter sincerely wants her there then you need to deal with your discomfort and still go to the shower. Not showing up would be hurtful to your daughter, make you look small and petty in everyone else's eyes and rob you of a chance to celebrate this wonderful occasion. There are ways to be cordial and polite without necessarily being warm and friendly. There will be lots of other people there with whom you are comfortable. And remember why you made this party. You are celebrating the upcoming birth of your grandchild. That's a wonderful thing and it might help you put things in perspective.
If your daughter doesn't want her there but is unwilling to un-invite her (as I imagine she will be), then ask your daughter if it would be okay with her for YOU to do the uninviting. If she says "no" then again, you have to deal with your discomfort and go to the shower.
If it is okay with your daughter for you to un-invite the ex girlfriend, then call the woman and be honest with her. You might say something like this: "I was very upset when I found out that you are planning to come to my daughter's baby shower. I still have very strong feelings of hurt and betrayal towards you. I don't want you there. Please don't come." The woman might still come or she might go back to your daughter and make a big deal about this, putting your daughter in a very uncomfortable position. You know her better than I do and you probably can predict what she is likely to do.
I hope this help. Let me know what happens!