Long-distance relationships:
“My son's heart is broken and so is mine!”
Hey Terra,
My 13-year-old son has absolutely fallen in love with a girl in his class. They have been "going out" for about 3 weeks now. The problem is this: We're moving to a new city very soon. He wants to stay with family in our old town so that he doesn't have to change schools next year. He is somewhat depressed and angry with me because I told him that's not likely to happen. I am very empathetic and try to put myself in his shoes, BUT I am also a parent trying to figure out what's the best route to go. I have told him that he is only 13 years old, and this is not the last girl he will fall in love with. Of course, he thinks it is. What to do? If I decide to let him go to his old school next year... it would have to stop somewhere. He will not continue to go there for high school. What should I do?Hurting for My Son
Dear Hurting for My Son,
As much as you may empathize with the intense emotions your son's experiencing now, you are the parent. And feeling his hurt is not going to help you keep your parental perspective. You have decided that what's best for the family is to move to another city. It's unfortunate that your son won't be going to the same school as his girlfriend, but it would be wrong to break up the family. It would also be wrong to let a 13 year old decide what he can and can't do in this situation.
He may be angry and upset about the move. Let him voice his emotions, but make sure he knows that while you appreciate his feelings, you are NOT going to change your plans and those plans include him. Let him know that he's coming with you because he's part of the family. When he's 18 he can decide where he's going to live. Until then, it's your job to make those calls with everyone's best interests in mind.
Tell him that you believe it's in his best interest to be with his family. The truth is that in another 3 weeks this girl may not be his girlfriend, which is another reason why you can't let a 13 year old call the shots. But you don't need to tell him that as it will seem like you're sabotaging his happiness. Let him have his "first love." If the relationship with the girl continues through email, IMs, etc., there's no reason why you can't (with the girl's parents' approval) help the two of them get together from time to time. (You can tell him that!)
I hope this helps.
In friendship,
Annie
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